From Tool Belts to Tim Hortons: The Hilarious Math Behind Charging $100/Hour for a Guy Named Dave to Swing a Hammer in Ontario” – Extended Edition: Now with 80% More Maple Syrup and a Raccoon Named Steve
1. The Base Rate: “$35/Hour? That’s Just for the Guy Who Forgets His Tape Measure”
Your construction worker’s $35/hour wage sounds straightforward… until you realize this is the same person who once used a pizza box as a level and asked, “What’s a stud?” during a drywall job. But hey, we’re Canadians—polite, hardworking, and occasionally baffled by imperial measurements.
The $35/hour covers Dave’s ability to:
- Nail things (sometimes his thumb).
- Say “ope, sorry” when he bumps into a doorframe.
- Interpret blueprints with the same confidence as a toddler “reading” Shakespeare.
- Brew a pot of coffee so strong it could double as industrial adhesive.
A Day in the Life of Dave
8:00 AM: Dave arrives 15 minutes late, blaming traffic caused by a “suspicious goose” on the 401.
8:15 AM: He unpacks his tools, only to realize he left his hammer at yesterday’s job site. “No worries,” he says, grabbing a wrench. “It’s basically the same thing.”
9:30 AM: Dave discovers the “mystery wire” behind your drywall. Spoiler: It’s not a wire. It’s a cobweb from 1997.
But here’s the kicker: Dave isn’t just Dave. He’s Dave Plus. Dave needs benefits, a truck that guzzles gas like it’s a post-hockey-game beer chug, and a hard hat to protect him from his own questionable life choices.
The Tool Tracker
Ever wonder where your tools go? Here’s the breakdown:
- 10%: Lost in a snowbank.
- 20%: Traded to a guy named Phil for a vintage Gretzky hockey card.
- 70%: Buried in Dave’s garage under a pile of empty ketchup chip bags.
2. The “Labour Burden”: Where Benefits Are Just Fancy Words for “Don’t Let Dave Unionize”
Labour burden sounds like a term for carrying your coworker’s ladder, but no—it’s the secret sauce that turns 35into35into43.75 faster than you can say, “Doug Ford hates bike lanes.” This covers:
- CPP: Because Dave deserves retirement, even if he’ll probably just buy a fishing boat and crash it into a moose.
- EI: Employment Insurance, which Dave will need after he “accidentally” turns your renovation into an open-concept outhouse.
- Benefits: Dental plans, because Dave’s idea of flossing is eating beef jerky.
Dave’s Benefits Package: A Breakdown
- Health Insurance: Covers everything except “Dave-related incidents” (see: the Great Skilsaw vs. Toilet Incident of 2022).
- Mental Health Days: Used exclusively during playoff season.
- RRSP Contributions: Automatically redirected to his “Molson Canadian Fund.”
Add 25%, and suddenly Dave’s hourly rate is closer to what you’d pay a mediocre Toronto Maple Leafs ticket. But wait! We’re not done.
3. Overhead: The Art of Explaining Why Your Truck Has a Permanent “Check Engine” Light
Overhead is everything your company spends money on that isn’t Dave. Think:
- Tools: Including the drill Dave lost in a snowbank last winter.
- Vehicles: The truck that’s 40% duct tape, 60% “character.”
- Insurance: For when Dave mistakes a load-bearing wall for “ugly wallpaper.”
- Office Supplies: Mainly Timbits to bribe Dave into showing up before 10 AM.
Meet Steve, the Raccoon CFO
Steve isn’t just a raccoon living in the company truck—he’s your Chief Financial Officer. His qualifications?
- Expert at sniffing out expired gas station sushi.
- Can open a locked toolbox using only his claws and existential dread.
- Once negotiated a discount on windshield wipers by staring down the cashier at Canadian Tire.
Calculating overhead is like guessing how many loons are in Lake Ontario—you’ll never get it right. But let’s say it’s 50% of Dave’s new rate. That adds $21.88/hour, which we’ll justify as:
- $5 for gas.
- $10 for Steve’s cut (he accepts payment in gummy worms).
- $6.88 for the emotional damage of hearing Dave’s karaoke rendition of “Summer of ‘69.”
4. Profit Margin: Because You, Too, Deserve a Cottage (Unlike Dave)
Ah, profit—the reason you’re not bartering for venison and firewood. Adding 20% profit to the 65.63/hourcostmeanscharging∗∗65.63/hourcostmeanscharging∗∗78.76**. But let’s be real: you’re in Ontario, where home prices are higher than a moose on a trampoline. Round it up to 85–85–105/hour and blame “market rates” (aka Steve’s gummy worm addiction).
How to Spend Your Profit
- Option 1: A cottage in Muskoka where you can escape Dave’s texts about “urgent raccoon negotiations.”
- Option 2: A lifetime supply of Hawkins Cheezies to appease Steve.
- Option 3: Therapy after Dave “fixed” your website by uploading 200 photos of his cat, Mr. Whiskers.
5. The “Oh No” Factors: Why Your Final Rate is Basically a Magic 8-Ball
- The “I Forgot Permit” Fee: $20/hour extra to sweet-talk the city inspector who definitely saw Dave using that pizza box as a level.
- The “Dave’s Truck Broke Down” Surcharge: $15/hour because he’s borrowing your minivan… and your dignity.
- The “Canadian Winter” Multiplier: 1.5x rates from November–April, when Dave’s productivity drops to “hibernating bear” levels.
New & Improved Fees for 2024
- “Is That Asbestos?” Surcharge: $50/hour + a free hug.
- “IKEa Detour” Fee: $30/hour when Dave gets lost in the Allen wrench aisle.
- “Sorry, Eh?” Tax: $5/hour for every time Dave apologizes to inanimate objects.
6. How to Explain This to Customers Without Them Calling You a Hosers
Customer: “$105/hour?! My nephew does this for a case of Pepsi!”
You: “Ah, but does your nephew have a truck shaped like a parallelogram? A team of highly trained squirrels? A liability insurance policy that covers ‘acts of Dave’?”
Pro Tips for Smooth Conversations
- Distract Them: Offer free stickers that say, “I Survived a Renovation and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (and a Second Mortgage).”
- Blame Steve: “The raccoon handles pricing. Take it up with him.” (Note: Steve accepts bribes in cheese curds.)
- Invoke Patriotism: “This rate supports local Tim Hortons and the Canadian dream of owning a shed you’ll never actually organize.”
7. The Secret Truth: Everyone’s Just Wingin’ It
At the end of the day, construction pricing is like a game of hockey: chaotic, occasionally violent, and everyone’s secretly making up the rules as they go. That $100/hour isn’t just for Dave’s labor—it’s for the emotional rollercoaster of watching him try to park a backhoe.
A Confessional from “Dave’s Boss”
“Look, I don’t know what I’m doing either. Last week, I Googled ‘how to build a deck’ during a meeting. Half my job is keeping Dave away from power tools, and the other half is convincing Steve not to eat the invoices. We’re all just one raccoon uprising away from bankruptcy.”
8. The Four Seasons of Construction (Spoiler: Winter Wins)
Spring: Dave thaws out and rediscovers his tools under three feet of slush.
Summer: Productivity peaks! (Until Dave finds a beer garden.)
Fall: “Quick jobs” turn into “Why is there a pumpkin nailed to the roof?”
Winter: Dave becomes a sentient parka, and Steve starts hoarding hand warmers.
9. Customer Testimonials: Fictionally Accurate
“Dave turned my kitchen into a sauna, but he did teach my kids the best way to shotgun a Pepsi. 10/10!” – Karen, Ottawa
“I asked for a patio and got a fire pit shaped like a beaver. It’s… very Canadian.” – Doug, Toronto
“Steve stole my sandwich, but he also fixed my Wi-Fi. Raccoons are the future.” – Linda, Hamilton
10. The Grand Finale: Why We Do It
Because somewhere between the duct tape and the delirium, there’s pride in building a province one questionable decision at a time. So charge with confidence, apologize when you inevitably crack their driveway, and remember: in Ontario, the only thing higher than your rates are the property taxes.
Disclaimer: This article is 47% factual, 53% maple syrup-induced delirium. Consult a raccoon (or accountant) before pricing anything.
